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When Santa Packed A Piece

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These days, this cover of Spectacular Spider-Man might border on commentary:



Despite its apparent theme, though, this 1985 tale is rather light-hearted for the most part. Written by Peter David, the story mostly deals with Peter Parker's lack of plans to spend Christmas with anyone, cycling through (and thereby catching up with) Peter's various friends who have their own plans and finding Peter becoming more and more dispirited. Where Santa comes in is when one of Peter's neighbors, Bambi, is at Macy's with her son Jordan, and Jordan has an extensive list of wishes for the department store Santa Claus. But this Santa is using all the children in line to make his own wish list:




Santa's intentions for Bambi give the story a darker tone--and, later, Bambi discovers him in her apartment looting their presents on Christmas Eve. Fortunately, Bambi lives in proximity to a guy with spider-sense:



Heh--"leg warmers." It was the '80s, after all.


All the noise wakes up Bambi's other roommates, and the confusion gives "Santa" a chance to bolt. But, as Spidey gives chase, our burglar finds quite the surprise as he reaches the roof:



Spidey has come up empty, but, before you know it, Peter is getting a call to come to the lobby of the "Daily Bugle," which finds its "toys for tots" contributions now overflowing--as well as the Santa-burglar he'd chased, who's now bursting with the Christmas spirit:



Thanks to the genuine Santa, Peter clears up a misunderstanding with his Aunt May and spends Christmas with her, together with Mary Jane Watson and her aunt. As for Jordan, I think Macy's owes the little guy reparations, no?


A Living Legend In Lights

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With "Spider-Man: Turn Off The Dark" set to end its Broadway run in January and relocate to Las Vegas, let's take a look at another Marvel project that almost landed on the great white way:



This ad first appeared in Marvel comics published in March of 1985, and you may remember when it made the rounds in blogs and the news when the Spider-Man musical was making headlines in 2011-2012. The only real info available on it comes from an April, 1985 column by Enid Nemy of The New York Times featuring Broadway theatre news:

"Captain America" boasts a hero-sized $4 million budget.

IT'S going to be a big one, if everything works out as befits a musical named "Captain America." Big, in this case, means a budget of $4 million--a lot of money, even for a superhero fighting for the American dream, the flag and the woman he loves.

The superhero will not, in fact, be particularly super when the curtain goes up. The book by Mel Mandel and Norman Sachs (who are also responsible for music and lyrics) has Captain A. going through a mid-life crisis. Fortunately, the action speeds up - his girlfriend, a candidate for President, is captured by terrorists and held hostage at the Lincoln Memorial. That's enough of the plot - when you invest millions, as are Shari Upbin, James Galton and Marvel Comics and some as yet untapped sources, you're entitled to a few secrets.

The plan is to take the production, which will be directed by Philip Rose, out of town this fall and to Broadway toward year's end. John Cullum, Ken Howard, Richard Kiley and Hal Linden are the names being mentioned for our hero, and Linda Lavin and Cloris Leachman are being talked about to play the woman who is obviously going to be rescued from those baddies.

Gosh, did Steve Rogers ever reach mid-life? That would be a prerequisite for having a mid-life crisis, wouldn't it? Apparently, however, there was another crisis with the show that took precedence, as the project quietly fizzled and nothing more was heard or written of it (at least to my knowledge).

Here were the proposed male leads, in order of their mention above:




I have this odd curiosity of wondering which songs they were planning to have "Cap" belt out.

Season's Greetings from Avengers Mansion

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If you're an Avengers fan, you're not exactly at a loss when getting into the Avengers spirit for the holidays:



No, no, not THOSE Avengers. Stop being so silly. I'm talking about the more commercially viable Avengers of today. For instance, you could hang an Avengers stocking over your mantel:



And you could stuff it with Avengers-related stocking stuffers, like these adorable Avengers finger puppets:



And for your tree, there are Avengers ornaments:



But for the toy-obsessed among you (and you KNOW who you are), I'm betting you're going to go the Mego route and "assemble" your very own holiday Avengers scene.


Hold on a second--no Jarvis with a tray of egg nog??

I guess he was the logical choice to snap the picture.

No Secret Is Safe

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Can YOU


Name This Marvel Villain??



So what does the Spymaster have to do with our Christmas-themed posts of late? Well, Spymaster wasn't really one for wearing disguises, but even he could get into the Christmas spirit when he was causing trouble for Iron Man:



I'm not really sure why Spymaster ever took to wearing a costume. If your line of work is espionage, I would think the last thing you would want to do is to stand out. Still, during his career, he was very successful and sought after; and he actually gave the people he went up against a good fight, using a dazzling collection of specialized weaponry. He reminds me a lot of someone like Paladin (though with a more malicious disposition). In fact, it's interesting to see how this guy got more respect in the field than, say, the Trapster. (Of course the Trapster still lugging around that paste gun didn't help matters.)

But, why is Spymaster stirring up trouble during the holidays? It seems the Taskmaster was putting him to the test by having him steal the ornament off of the Christmas tree at one of Tony Stark's benefits:



But even as Santa Claus, Spymaster has reckoned without one thing--a sharp-eyed kid, who can usually tell when something's up:



Believe it or not, once he's busted and after a pitched battle with Iron Man, Spymaster was allowed to make off with the ornament he sought. Somehow I doubt the Taskmaster is going to be exchanging gifts with him.

I Must Have A Guardian Watcher

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For the most part, both Marvel Team-Up and Marvel Two-In-One, headlined by Spider-Man and the Thing, respectively, featured one-shot stories that plugged in whatever guest star was going to be paired with them--with a new guest-star and story ready to be inserted in the following issue, and so on--rinse, repeat. For the stories, this meant very abridged adventures--and while many of these were so scarce on plot that they did a disservice to the characters (and, at times, to their readers), some of them were impressive in terms of the depth they were able to give stories which had to be resolved so quickly.

Writer J.M. DeMatteis, who wrote this particular Marvel Team-Up story, always stood out for me in that respect, in this and other titles he scripted (most notably The Defenders). And when a story centers on Christmas Eve (as this one does), where many of the dramatic elements such as despair, or loneliness, or even tragedy have only to be called forth, just about any characters in Spider-Man's world can be adapted to those elements, with Spider-Man (as Peter Parker) within arm's reach to become involved.

The trick, of course, is finding a way to deal in the issue's guest star--and here, where that guest star is the Watcher, the writer has the luxury of inserting him at practically any point, depending on his motivation for becoming involved with Spider-Man's affairs. To say nothing of the hook of the Watcher himself, in a team-up story of all places--a being who normally only appears at pivotal moments in a world's history. What could possibly merit his attention in a situation involving one of Peter Parker's acquaintances?



Peter's Christmas Eve begins innocently enough--at his Aunt May's, where she has a full house of boarders/friends celebrating the holidays:



Yet, one of May's housemates, Arthur Chekov, a usually upbeat and engaged amateur poet, is preoccupied with concern for his granddaughter:



We're given little information on Bette's circumstances at this early point in the story; in fact, we really haven't enough to be curious about her one way or the other, in spite of Nathan's obvious concern. And while Peter offers his sympathy, it's barely a blip on his radar, if that. But DeMatteis doesn't take long to get this story moving, setting off Peter's spider-sense which brings him outside into the snow and inexplicably finding him changed into costume, just before coming across a figure who is definitely not Santa Claus:



Obviously, it's Peter's first meeting with the Watcher, who remains silent despite Spider-Man's urgings to speak and divulge what's going on. Instead, the Watcher reveals to us that the seemingly uneventful introduction of Bette Chekov is going to have far greater meaning to this story than we may have first thought:



Nor is the Watcher (through DeMatteis) going to be more forthcoming with us just yet. We only know that, for whatever reason, he's keeping a close eye on Bette, who we learn isn't having the Christmas Eve her grandfather might wish for her:



In the meantime, Spider-Man is tracking down Bette in Brooklyn through the telephone directory--but the mystery deepens when he arrives at her apartment to find the police conducting an investigation into the murder of her roommate, Sheila, over an apparent drug deal. Which brings us back to Bette, who meets with her dealer and discovers that he's stolen the cocaine he'd sold to her and Sheila from the mob:



Fortunately, the Watcher has--enigmatically, how else?--led Spider-Man to Buck's place, and Spidey arrives in time to intervene and make short work of him. But Bette has fled during the melee, though right into the path of the mob who can't help but spot the huge bag of cocaine she's carrying.  Their cocaine:



And again, Spider-Man arrives in time to come between Bette and harm. Yet Bette flees again, and this time it seems her luck has run out:





Throughout this entire night, Spider-Man has been following confusing leads to resolve a more confusing mystery, the night's events put in motion by a being who seemingly refuses to give him more than bread crumbs to go on. So it's no wonder that he's finally had it at this point:



Again, the Watcher is silent, and Spider-Man hurls his jewel back at him in frustration. But the jewel veers off-course and brightly dissipates, with most unexpected results:



Spider-Man reaches the hospital in time. And when Peter makes a call, Arthur's reunion with his granddaughter finally occurs, with Peter willing to let things go at that:



But what of the Watcher, who set these events in motion? Surely the fate of a world didn't hinge on his involvement here, and we've generally been under the impression that it would take nothing less to make him violate his oath (though even that would earn him scorn from his fellow Watchers). Well, this is a Christmas issue, after all--and in the story's epilogue, DeMatteis gives the Watcher what amounts to a pass:



DeMatteis had about a 20-issue run on Marvel Team-Up--and while you might enjoy his stories there, I'd probably recommend his Defenders stories more since he wasn't restricted by Team-Up's limited format and was able to bring a greater sense of depth to the other book with its more steady grouping of characters. Team-Up's main appeal was arguably in its marquee rather than its assembly-line stories, which writers like DeMatteis perhaps helped to at least alleviate.

The Knees Of Battle!

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Where would Christmas be without a little humor? And when it comes to comics and humor, we need look no further than artist Fred Hembeck, who composed these delightful holiday sketch cards featuring Marvel characters.




You can find these and more of Mr. Hembeck's cards sold on eBay.

Silent Night--Deadly Night!

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You'd think that the Ghost Rider would be one of the last characters to appear in a Christmas-themed story, yet here he was (co-starring with the Thing) in a tale with the "three wise men" whose journey coincided with a new star in the heavens. It's just the kind of twist that writer Steve Gerber would (and does) indulge in--and it's actually not a half-bad tale, given the constraints it faces in tying things up neatly by its end (just as its sister publication, Marvel Team-Up, often did).  Sometimes it's easy to forget with these titles that not every team-up story has to be weighed down with deep meaning and give us a profound sense of realization.  If the story can stay true to its characters while avoiding having their adventures in what amounts to a spin-off mag descend to the level of fluff, chances are good that its readers are going to be pleased.

Basically, we have a new star on Christmas Eve which Reed Richards has discovered is pointing to a specific area in Arizona--specifically, Wyatt Wingfoot's tribal reservation. But before we get ahead of ourselves, let's check in with the Ghost Rider, who unexpectedly comes across three travelers who look like they've stepped out of a time machine, and who just happen to also have an interest in that same star:



Blaze is the one struck speechless?
Apparently, men with flaming skulls were no big deal to kings back in the day.



But while the Ghost Rider is intrigued enough to investigate further, Ben Grimm is leaving Reed in his observatory and makes his way to Sue Richards's Christmas gathering. Though Ben, frustrated with Reed's seeming inability to tear himself away from his work, is about to discover that his best friend has his humorous side, after all:





It's some very nice characterization by Gerber, who demonstrates a decent feel for the Fantastic Four, and for the Thing in particular.

Meanwhile, the Ghost Rider has discovered more time divergences concerning the mystery he faces:



What the Rider doesn't realize is that this ancient city is really the Konohoti reservation of Wyatt's people; but, upon entering the city, he does note that the populace is made up entirely of American Indians. And when he investigates further, he comes across other surprising things with this setting and its purported time period, including a stable with a newborn child. Which is where our villain for the issue arrives on the scene:




While the Rider has been unceremoniously dealt with, the Thing has convinced Reed to stay behind and be with his family, while he volunteers to investigate the star and its strange connection with Wyatt's reservation. And when he arrives in the area, he meets the Rider and gets a briefing on what's been happening:



The two then decide to infiltrate the town as the robed travelers already headed there. And this time, the villain unveils himself for us, as well:



Yes, the Miracle Man, whose bid for power was brought to an end by the FF and who was subsequently removed from our plane of reality by the dead Cheemuzwa tribe in order to tutor him in accepting his mortality. But, in his madness, the Miracle Man interpreted their teachings in a different way:



I'm sure you're wondering the same thing I am here: dead spirits need to sleep?? At any rate, the Miracle Man goes about creating his own biblical history, with his logic seeing the end result as affirmation of his own godhood. And he's not at all happy about intruders whose very presence disrupts his careful planning:



Convinced that his plan is ruined, the Miracle Man goes on a rampage, setting fire to the city and ensuring that no one leaves alive. But while the Rider sees to the evacuation of the tribespeople, the Thing goes after the Miracle Man, remembering a handy tactic that helped to defeat him before:



At that point, the Cheemuzwa return to again take charge of the Miracle Man (let's get it right this time, huh, fellas?), with their fourth spirit remaining as the child from the manger scene. As for the Rider--well, with only nine issues of his own series under his belt, you can't begrudge Gerber (along with editor Len Wein) giving him a parting plug:



Despite the accolades I'm doling out for this story, I did have something of a problem with it going the easy route and having the Miracle Man descend into near-total madness before the dust had even settled on his earlier defeat--as well as recycling things we've seen before. For instance, the Cheemuzwas make the same error in judgment with the Miracle Man that they did before, and he turns on them just as he did then. And at the end, they again remove him, with no apparent guarantee that they'll handle him any better than last time. Though if nothing else, what do you want to bet that they'll all sleep with one eye open from now on?

I'll Be... Somewhere For Christmas

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Good grief! It's Christmas Eve--why are Peter and Mary Jane being EVICTED??



Ahh. Remember the good old days when writers had no problem coming up with plots for super-heroes who were married? Remember the days when Peter Parker and his wife, Mary Jane, had evolved to the point of tying the knot? Remember how interesting they were as a couple?

Remember when Marvel chucked all that?

Let me at least soothe any residual bitterness you may still feel at that bonehead move decision, and take you back to this very nice 1989 Christmas story written by David Michelinie and drawn by Todd McFarlane which finds Peter and Mary Jane still happily married, if a bit put out. (Heh, "put out.") To bring you up to speed, a rejected suitor of Mary Jane, Jonathon Caesar, is looking to give some payback to both her and her husband from his prison cell. And how better to kick them in the shins than to kick them out of their comfy Bedford Towers condo and onto the street--and just shy of Christmas?



Wow--talk about finding coal in your stocking! What's next for these two?



Naturally, Peter's Aunt May steps up and offers the couple a place to stay, which you'd think would be the perfect solution given that their options are limited this close to Christmas. But Peter is surprisingly reticent:



Finally, though, when they're alone, Mary Jane coaxes the truth out of him:




We see that Spider-Man isn't generally allowed the luxury of taking time off for the holidays, as much as Peter might wish otherwise. And again, it's Mary Jane who's there to support him as both Peter and Spider-Man:



We can skip ahead from Spidey taking down a pathetic mugger, and catch up with Peter and MJ at a "Daily Bugle" Christmas party, where Peter crosses off his options for new living arrangements, one by one:



Until Flash Thompson shows us that Peter's and Mary Jane's isn't the only relationship that's evolved in this book over time:



Have you noticed that it isn't that often we ever see Peter visit the grave of his Uncle Ben? Peter has long since come to terms with his uncle's death, so a gravesite visit shouldn't happen too often--but every once in awhile, when Peter is conflicted with family matters of the heart, it really makes for a nice interlude:



And the moment is perfectly capped when Peter is interrupted by a crime in progress--fake security guards making off with an armored truck full of cash, as well as a street Santa they're using as a hostage. Peter assures his uncle that, this time, he knows where his responsibilities lie:



Naturally, Spidey corrals both the truck and its hijackers. But when the "mastermind" of the operation pulls a gun, Spider-Man gets a little unexpected help from a very peeved hostage who decides to pitch in:



The story ends when Peter changes back into his clothes and finds another visitor at his uncle's grave. And it turns out to be the perfect place for the resolution to his problem to become clear to him:



It probably goes without saying that Mary Jane is delighted with Peter's decision, which brings the issue to a close and makes for a very satisfying Christmas story. It's one that needed no super-villains--no conflict to speak of--and no moping from Peter on what a loser he is, how his life never seems to amount to anything, or how much he blames Spider-Man for his downward spiral. He's simply confronted with a problem that any married couple could face, and handles it just by working it out.  A nice change of pace for this book that didn't have that many more Christmases to offer this husband and wife.


Not A Creature Was Stirring--Well, Maybe A N'Garai

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Since we've already seen the X-Men scrimmage at football on Thanksgiving, it's only fair that we see how they handle a no-holds-barred snowball fight with Christmas approaching:


(I'm going to go out on a limb and give Iceman the edge here.)


It's not very often that the X-Men get to indulge in the Christmas spirit without someone or something throwing a damper on their good cheer. Perhaps one of the most memorable of such scenes came when the new team of X-Men joined Scott and Jean in New York to immerse themselves in the holiday crowds...


...right before the Sentinels attacked. Sheesh, nobody invited them.


(By the way, which sharp-eyed among you spotted the cameo appearance of two other Marvel characters that sneaky artist Dave Cockrum inserted into the lower right corner of the pic?)

Heck, sometimes the X-Men didn't even need to leave the safety of their home for trouble to find them during Christmas. For instance, there were times that Wolverine didn't have that whole "peace on Earth" thing down:



Or when Kitty Pryde fought off one of the N'Garai single-handedly:



So, for the X-Men:


...this time of year is enjoyed to the fullest.

Miracle on Yancy Street

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It must have taken some crisis for the Yancy Street Gang to step out of the shadows and meet with their legendary target, the Thing:


Though they would also end up meeting the Fantastic Four's deadliest enemy.



For Ben Grimm, it all started with the Christmas holidays, when an old friend from the 'hood, "Slugger" Sokolowski, looks Ben up and implores him to help in turning his son Jimmy away from using drugs:



Slugger is also afraid for his son because word has gotten around about people disappearing from the neighborhood.  Indeed, unknown to Slugger, Jimmy has only recently been abducted, though within view of a witness unnoticed by his attackers:



It doesn't take long before Ben is walking down Yancy Street, intent on his task but not being able to ignore old memories washing over him. Nor does it take long before he's spotted by his mainstay nemeses from this neighborhood, who, as always, strike first:



As we've already seen, Ben and the YSG meet face-to-face and compare notes, realizing that they're actually looking into the same case:



It's then that the YSG gets word on Jimmy's whereabouts and take off after him. But the Thing has no intention of being left in their dust, and an alliance is informally struck. If you can call it that:




Once inside the building they've located, however, they find that it's far from abandoned:



Almost immediately, Ben and the YSG are set upon by the same attackers who abducted Jimmy--but Ben quickly discovers that they're powerful robots, and takes point against them while the YSG pitch in fearlessly. Yet, for Jimmy, his captor seems convinced that his fate is sealed:



Once the robots are dealt with, the gang and the Thing get their bearings. But before they can investigate further, their foe finally reveals himself:




Yet, why would Doom be running, of all things, a drug trafficking operation? Ben seems equally incredulous at the revelation, as well as outraged. But then Doom adds a piece to the puzzle that makes his involvement here even more confusing:



The YSG also join in the fight, if from the sidelines--but Doom is clearly overwhelming against them, and the Thing again attacks to keep Doom's focus on him. But Ben's fight with Doom is on a more personal level, wanting to discover what Doom's motivations are here and what's brought him to this neighborhood. And the answers are as twisted as the man himself:



Yet finally, Doom twists the knife far more deeply with words than with actions:



And with that hanging in the air, Doom departs. Ben would go on to reproach himself over Doom's words, though to dwell on them would only serve as a salve to Doom's conscience rather than his own. After all, there's nothing to stop Doom from taking the data he's gathered and continuing his work on the problem at a more secure location, if he were of the mind to do so--but he's admitted that the problem is too daunting to merit his time. The Thing's interference, despite Doom's spin on it, really just provided a convenient excuse for Doom to terminate his work on the project, a thought that had already occurred to him.

Thankfully, though, the YSG have put their own time to good use, and located Jimmy:




As for that miracle that just about every Christmas story thrives on, it's hard to tell if it comes in the form of Jimmy's reunion with his dad:



...or the Yancy Street Gang bonding with their new big buddy:



Unfortunately, appearances can be deceiving.



And when Ben rejoins the rest of the FF, he's not shy about grumbling about the way he was played. But it's Christmas, after all, and mistletoe works wonders.



Whatever problems I might have had with Tom DeFalco's run on Fantastic Four, he proves again here that he's one of the better Doctor Doom writers on Marvel's staff--but he also turns in a fine job on most of the characters in this issue. Slugger's initial reluctance to see Ben; the catching up he and Ben did at Rielly's Bar; Ben taking on almost a protective role with the YSG; a nice scene for Franklin, who seldom gets enough panel time in the hectic world of the FF; as well as mending the awkwardness between Johnny and Alicia. A lot of nice touches throughout. I wasn't really on board with "code names" for the members of the YSG--all they needed was a clubhouse and a charter, and that doesn't really fit the image of the Yancy Street Gang as we've come to know them.

Artists Paul Ryan and Danny Bulanadi joined DeFalco on the FF run, and they turn in their usual fine work here, along with some nice touches of their own. It's nice to see the FF out of uniform when the situation dictates, and I liked the nod to Ben's past in the form of donning his old flight jacket. In addition, there was also everyone signing Ben's cast for his injured arm; the clever splash page which turned out to be nothing more than Ben's arm being set; the obvious happiness that Franklin has at seeing everyone together on Christmas; and even the FF reception lobby with "Roberta." There was also Ben's battle with Doom, which went as far as it could with Ben having one arm out of commission, but still played out intensely and well.

And speaking of Doom, thanks to a story in the What The?! X-mas Special, we can take a good guess at how he might observe Christmas:


...So Be Good For Your Own Sake

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I know the gray Hulk wasn't as powerful as his emerald predecessor, but come on:


Do we really think Santa Claus has a chance here!?


Happily, though, the health of our numero uno Christmas toy supplier isn't in danger, because, thanks again to a sharp-eyed kid, we discover this isn't the real Santa at all:



Yes, Kris Kringle in this clever disguise is really the Rhino, who it seems has a lousy disposition this time of year. On the other hand, he also seems to have a genuine concern for educating kids on the important values of the real world out there:



Still, even the patience of "Santa" has its limits, and this line of obnoxious kids has one kid too many. Fortunately, there's someone else looking out for little kids this time of year:



The battle that follows is predictably fierce, though a guy in a rhino suit dressed in a Santa suit has to be one for the record books. But the Hulk, who lays his hands on part of the disguise that the last annoying kid ripped off the Rhino, obviously thinks it's time to deliver a little Christmas spirit of his own:



And again, the battle picks up, going back and forth with both the Rhino and the Hulk giving as good as they get. In the end, though--after the Rhino re-dons the rest of his Santa outfit--we find that all it takes to end a brutal battle between two super-powered opponents are the plaintive tears of a little girl:




At least Rick Jones and Clay Quartermain, doubled over in a giggle fit here, have something to laugh about. Let's let them enjoy it while they can.

Because they're next in line.


Where Flies The Black Crow, There Flies--Bewilderment

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When you go Christmas shopping with Steve Rogers, a/k/a Captain America, you might want to brace yourself for situations potentially more dangerous than braving the dog-eat-dog stampedes taking place in department stores:



Steve has previously had two disturbing encounters with a large, fearsome crow that briefly attacked and then fled. Finally, it seems as if his foe is ready to reveal himself, and in more human form:



Steve has obviously been caught off-guard by the stranger's power. But this is Captain America, after all, and he seizes the advantage almost immediately. Unfortunately, he discovers again that this is no ordinary foe:




So who is this attacker? Why target Cap on Christmas Eve? And why suddenly turn away and flee, when he seemingly had Cap at his mercy?

It turns out that Jesse Black Crow (or simply "Black Crow" if you go up against him) has another facet to his existence we need to be aware of:




In a tale written by J.M. DeMatteis, Black Crow's power has a somewhat enigmatic quality, which perhaps doesn't surprise those of you who are familiar with DeMatteis's style. Many of DeMatteis's stories take a "there are more things in heaven and earth..." approach, presenting a mysterious force in a story but feeling no need to explain it fully. As an example, have a look at Black Crow's origin, the circumstances of which are understandable and explainable. That is, up to a point:



Look at all the things we skipped right past. We don't know why Jesse wasn't killed by a 20-story fall (presumably landing on concrete, since the accident takes place in the city). We don't know where his visions originate. We don't know how he gained the ability to shape-shift, if you can call it something as simple as that. We don't know why his visions are accompanied by blackouts, and dreams, and pain. All we do know about him at this point is that he has a deep resentment of how his people have been treated throughout American history, and that he seeks retribution through the death of one man:



And yet, he'll do so without anger. Without hatred. I'm sorry, didn't we just spend two full pages establishing that those were the things which fed Black Crow's agenda here?

So Black Crow baits Cap into a final encounter, this time on the Brooklyn Bridge, where he demonstrates another ability (amidst more contradictions, of course):



When Cap joins him atop the bridge, I'm sorry to say we get as much of an explanation behind Black Crow's actions as we're likely to get:



Cap may consider Black Crow one of the less maniacal, more clear-headed opponents he's faced, at least as far as his purpose in his own mind--but that doesn't mean his words make any sense to Cap, nor is he inclined to listen any further. And so the battle goes on. But darned if Cap still isn't trying to get through to him:



Since Black Crow can move through the air, the fall is no threat to him. But he sees an opportunity to finally make good on his promise of death to Cap:



Now, you're probably thinking that the end of this battle is where everything is going to make some kind of sense. I suppose it does--to Mr. DeMatteis, that is:



You know, I was almost laughing along with Black Crow, at this point, but I still gave Cap the benefit of the doubt. He was going to later explain this capitulation, wasn't he? Or maybe Black Crow would elaborate on why it was important? This is the wrap-up, and we'd like some answers!

I'm sorry, but you're not getting anything of the kind. You get this, instead:



For all intents and purposes, you've seen the end to this story. Pfft. Done. The next page jumps us ahead several days, where we see Cap and the Avengers finding the Beyonder's portal in Central Park--transporting them all to Jim Shooter's the Beyonder's Secret War, which effectively snatches the rug out from under us as far as wrapping this story up a little more satisfactorily. It's possible that the Secret War teaser pulled the rug out from under DeMatteis, as well, cutting his story short and depriving him of the room he needed for the wrap-up. I'd like to think so. In my mind, I keep asking myself "What have I not understood here? Did I somehow miss the point of this story?" Apparently, alert reader Kevin Hall had similar thoughts on the letters page which covered that issue:

"I found [the story] entertaining and exciting but I found the ending a little hard to swallow. After fighting Cap for five pages, the Black Crow calmed by having Cap kneel before him. He kept saying he had to kill Cap, but then in the end he doesn't do it. I don't understand that at all. Please explain."

Marvel's response deferred to the next letter to clear up, this one written by alert reader Billi Ford:

"...Cap kneeled to the Black Crow because the Black Crow is Cap's spiritual precursor. They, along with such super heroes as America Eagle [sic], Patriot, Miss America, and the Spirit of '76, represent the multiracial entity that is called 'America.'"

Which, I'm sorry, Billi, doesn't do it for me.  But, hey, if the Earth Spirit's happy, I'm happy.

How The Groonk Stole Christmas!

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"Maybe Christmas," he thought, "doesn't come from a store."
"Maybe Christmas...perhaps...means a little bit more!"

Christmas is certainly a time of year when Eric Masterson--who took a turn as the mighty Thor when the real Thor was banished by the Asgardians (for, apparently, killing his half-brother, Loki)--could use some of the joy and optimism that spreads around during the holidays. Eric hadn't been having an easy time of it lately. He was evicted from his apartment by the building's tenants committee, who had quite enough of attacks by super-powered intruders. His architect business was suffering. He'd had to cede custody of his son, Kevin, to his ex-wife in order to better ensure his safety while Eric continued as Thor. His executive assistant, Susan Austin (who also has feelings for Eric), was in a coma thanks to an attack by Loki. And he was on shaky ground with the Avengers--particularly Captain America, who knew his situation regarding Thor and who was worried that Eric may not work out as an Avenger.

In the interest of full disclosure, I should probably admit right off the bat that, while I like Eric Masterson quite a lot as a character, I've never really cared for him as Thor. And I think I can sum up why by posing a simple question: When you think of the God of Thunder, do you picture Eric Masterson or anyone else as the God of Thunder? I'm willing to bet that no one else even comes to mind, not even Beta Ray Bill. Eric and Thor are two separate entities, in every sense. Thor is more than just a hero with a cape and a hammer--more than just an Avenger. Even Cap, who has proven worthy to lift Mjolnir and who has his own fighting spirit, couldn't stand in for Thor or fill his shoes in battle and elicit the same sense of excitement and thrill for readers as the Thunder God. Captain America, I think we'll all agree, isn't a thunder god, nor, by extension, the Thunder God--and if that's so, then it's equally true for Eric.

In Eric, we see how an average mortal would handle being Thor, perhaps just as Donald Blake might have turned out if he hadn't taken his relationships with Odin or Asgard at face value. And this issue's conflict might serve to call into question how Eric chooses to operate as Thor, and why Cap might be justified in checking up on him. Yet I enjoy this story because it focuses instead on Eric's life and perspective, and how even he seems to acknowledge that he's not and never will be Thor--he just wants to do his best with the responsibility he's been given. It's a heavy weight on his shoulders, in many ways.

To start things off, Eric scoring a racing track setup for Kevin on Christmas Eve reminds us that 'tis the season for shopping. But he's about to discover that someone--something--has declared open season on shoppers, or, rather, what they've shopped for:



And so, welcome to a tale where Frank Capra meets Dr. Seuss:




Naturally, Eric takes off after the thief, though he's already preoccupied with his role as an Avenger:



Even changing to Thor and conducting an aerial sweep of the area produces no sign of the perp, and so Eric chalks it up as a loss. Still, I must ask: When was the last time you saw someone using a walking stick take off running after someone, showing no sign of any injury to their leg(s)?

Unfortunately, Eric's next stop isn't likely to lift his spirits, since it's at the home of his ex-wife and her new husband, who can obviously provide Kevin with the kind of Christmas that's beyond Eric's means:



This scene worked so well for me, further putting me in the camp of Team Eric as a character. Ideally, we could still have Eric's union with Thor as it once was--Eric as his mortal identity, with the true Thor being the character he switched to, the best of both worlds. On the other hand, I'm still intrigued by Eric as Thor--it feels as if I'm pulling for him as he grapples with the kind of life he's trying to balance. And when he resumes his search for the Christmas street thief, it feels good to see him have something to take his mind off the separation from his son:




Now that he has the thief in clear sight, Eric believes he'll have no difficulty in wrapping up this case in his identity as Thor. But when he's brought down unexpectedly by a beam which weakens him, he gets his first wide-eyed look at the mysterious gift-grabber:




The "Groonk," however, chooses another tactic to shake his foe:





Finally, though, when the Groonk puts down Eric (See what I mean? It never occurs to me to refer to him as "Thor"), at least for the present, he's urged to abandon the battle by, of all things:



But Eric has taken far too many lumps tonight to let it go at that, and he brings his baggage directly to the Groonk's doorstep for a final exchange of blows:




Once the threat of the Groonk is dealt with, though, Eric is attacked again, but this time by ordinary people who have camped in the underground tunnels and have, surprisingly, befriended the Groonk. And, again, I find myself pulling for Eric, who discovers that not every battle should be resolved with breast-beating and fists:




It's here that this tale pivots, and Eric discovers circumstances that help him to climb out of the downward spiral he felt himself trapped in. And with his next stop--at the hospital where Susan is being attended to--he gets some unexpected help:




As you can imagine just from the visuals here, Susan's recovery helps to begin the process of slowly lifting the weight on his shoulders that Eric has felt on this day before Christmas. And his next encounter, this time with Cap, perhaps doesn't alleviate his concern about measuring up in the Avengers, but is more like a wake-up call of constructive criticism:



By far, though, what he finds waiting for him at his old apartment is what makes this Christmas the one he may remember the most:





This being a Christmas issue perhaps gave the book the excuse to shift the limelight away from its selling point, Thor, and instead focus on being an Eric Masterson story and giving readers a chance to become more sympathetic to him. And we seemed to cover all the bases in that regard, by cramming in most of his supporting characters: His son, of course, along with Eric's ex-wife, Marcy; Jerry Sapristi, a construction foreman and friend of both Eric and "Sigurd Jarlson," Thor's "mortal" disguise; Jackie Lukus, who's interested in Eric; the Avengers (in the form of Cap); Hercules, in his mortal appearance as Harry Cleese (heh, get it?); as well as Susan Austin. Yet the issue also managed to give us a generous helping of Eric as Thor, which fit in with introducing the character everything orbited around, the Groonk--who, instead of stealing Christmas, might have actually helped to give it to one person who really needed it.

Still No Substitute For Reindeer

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A cool image rendered by a color assistant featuring Iron Man as one of Santa's helpers:



Probably based on an '80s Marvel subscription ad:



And later brought up to date with Shellhead ditching his metal "jacket"
for his armor's internal heating system:



Obviously his GPS is on the fritz, because I never got any of those presents.

Winter Thoughts

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At first glance, you wouldn't think a man like the Winter Soldier would have anything to celebrate during Christmas. And when that man is Bucky Barnes, who fought in World War II, he feels especially out of place, since in many ways this isn't the America he remembers, nor does Christmas feel as it once did. "Winter Kills," part of the "Casualties of War" series of stories published throughout Marvel's "Civil War" saga, explores Bucky's memories of Christmas past as he wanders present-day New York, lost in thought--mostly to allude to the sorry state of affairs that the Civil War has brought to not only Marvel's heroes, but also to the ordinary men and women who are forced to witness it and who are often caught in the crossfire.

Thankfully, "Winter Kills" only briefly spends time fulfilling its purpose of nudging the reader toward the main "Civil War" series; and if you can put aside that harsh judgment of the story as a sales tool, it's really a fine piece of writing by Ed Brubaker, who turned in such beautiful work on the Captain America book. In a way, I see Brubaker and Frank Miller as two sides of the same coin, in terms of bringing an edge to their stories and characters, with Miller perhaps taking more of a blunt instrument approach as opposed to Brubaker's more careful pacing. The character of the Winter Soldier is ripe for either writer--a trained, extremely deadly assassin off his programming, yet cast adrift in a world almost sixty years distant from what he knew. Just as "homesick" as Steve Rogers was, and haunted by memories that can never be returned to.

And so Bucky can't help but think back to the Christmas of 1944, just six months before the war ended, and remember comrades like Toro, and Namor, and of course Steve, and how Christmas seemed to have much more meaning then:



It's a scene you can either associate with the Civil War, or with the America you and I are now a part of, of course. I'd like to think Brubaker intended a little of both.

The story has its action quotient, with Nick Fury intruding on Bucky's thoughts in order to divert him to a warehouse used by Hydra and attempt to stop the Young Avengers from destroying it and thus robbing Fury of its use to him as a source of intelligence. But when a Hydra agent discovers them and they're "made," Fury has no choice but to have Bucky join the teens in their original mission:



Afterward, the kids naturally have questions about who their ally is, but Bucky instead cordially departs. And his next stop is a scene that's rewarding on many levels, as he pays his respects to:




The scene took me by complete surprise, which is probably why it worked so well for me. Jack's career as Bucky was relatively brief, and his initial return was marred by madness; yet, here, we only see his predecessor's quiet empathy for him--less than tribute, but much more than words from a stranger.

Bucky's visit is then interrupted by the Young Avengers, who now realize who was fighting beside them. And as one group of kids to someone who would once have been their peer, their gesture (and, yes, tribute) to him caps the scene nicely:



Once the Avengers depart, the story closes with a reunion between two wartime allies who are both mostly untouched by time, with only one of them having lived through the many years that have passed. It seems fitting to let it close this post without further comment, with the observation that, despite Namor's disdain for the "surface holiday" of Christmas, he brings to this Winter Soldier priceless gifts of memories and friendship.






The Punisher Is Coming To Town

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I know how improbable it must seem to picture the Punisher in a Santa Claus suit. I mean, the whole idea of Santa Claus is to reward, not to punish, right? On the other hand, if you look at the lyrics of the Coots and Gillespie Christmas standard, "Santa Claus Is Coming to Town," its lyrics seem filled with implied threats:

"You better watch out
You better not cry
Better not pout
I'm telling you why...

"He's making a list
And checking it twice;
Gonna find out Who's naughty and nice...

"He sees you when you're sleeping
He knows when you're awake
He knows if you've been bad or good
SO BE GOOD for goodness sake."

Sentiments that any enforcer would be happy to--share to you.

The 2006 Punisher one-shot (heh, get it?), "Silent Night," isn't about warnings, though--it's about revenge, pure and simple. Junior Calvani, a mobster, is looking to deliver it against Gerardo Falsetti, former consigliere to Calvani's crime-boss father.  Falsetti ended up turning state's evidence against the elder Calvani, and subsequently went into the witness protection program. The Punisher has discovered that Junior has come out of hiding to kill Falsetti, getting the details from the snitch who ratted to Calvani, Timothy "Tiny" Torino (yes, that's right, "Tiny Tim"). We find Torino at a department store employed in a Santa gig, being *ahem* persuaded by the Punisher to spill the beans on how the hit is going down:




So at the Saint Nicholas Orphanage, it seems we're all set up for a pretty violent Christmas Eve. There'll be Junior Calvani and his boys--Falsetti and his boys--the resident priest and orphans--and, to top it off, the Punisher. But, come on--is this comic really going to turn an orphanage into a bloody war zone?


It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas...



The Punisher decides to take a leaf from Torino's book, and arrive at the orphanage as Santa with Torino in tow (as "Santa's helper") in order to get past Falsetti's men. It doesn't take him long to start making preparations, drafting some available help who seem only too willing to oblige:



And in the process, one of Falsetti's men finds that "Santa" has unfortunately judged him naughty:



Soon, inside the orphanage, Falsetti begins his Master of Ceremonies role. But the Punisher, knowing that Calvani's hit is imminent, has his own plans:




Finally, Calvani makes his move, taking out Falsetti's remaining men and moving in on the orphanage. But talk about a chilly reception (though not for long):



Calvani, now the only one left, decides to bolt. But the Punisher has found some holiday-appropriate transportation and manages to overtake him, plunging Calvani into an icy grave:




But this party's not over yet. Back at the orphanage, Torino locates Falsetti, who bribes him into freeing him from the Punisher's restraints. Unfortunately for Torino, that Santa suit may fool little kids but it's not much use with a man who used to work for the mob:



For Falsetti, this night at his old orphanage has made his life come full circle. The priest had already assured him that he'd received holy forgiveness for turning state's evidence against Calvani Sr. all those years ago--but he'd returned to the orphanage this night to give the children some good memories on Christmas Eve in an effort to make sure their lives wouldn't take the path his did. In reading this story, we pretty much knew that Falsetti's gestures were hollow ones, that he was still seeking a kind of absolution. But his confrontation with Torino has him quickly reverting to type, bringing down his benevolent and selfless facade in an instant.

But don't worry, retribution is just around the corner.


I think we can all guess how the Punisher plans to deal with Falsetti, given that early pic we saw with him facing the barrel of Castle's pistol. Besides, I think we've spilled enough blood for one Christmas.

To Daredevil, From The Kingpin

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I'm sorry to admit that I never read most of the Frank Miller masterpieces that he created during his run on Daredevil, where he later took a "you have to break a man down before you can build him up" approach to DD's alter ego, Matt Murdock. That's no slight to Mr. Miller--it's just that I was never into reading Daredevil, and I couldn't really tell you why. He just never rang my bell.  He was an ordinary guy who trained a lot, basically; the fact that he had a "radar sense" that compensated to an extent for his blindness didn't sway me. Artist Gene Colan did a brilliant job of making him appear larger than life, but still no sale. Snappy patter to compete with Spider-Man? Nope, still not interested.

I didn't care about his law practice. I didn't care about his law partner, Franklin "Foggy" Nelson, or why he was called "Foggy" in the first place. I didn't care about their somewhat boring secretary, Karen Page. I didn't care about DD's goofy stable of villains. And, Christmas on a cracker, I really didn't care about Mike Murdock, Matt's nonexistent brother created to take the heat off Matt's secret I.D. as Daredevil.

But. I did have a chance to read a couple of Miller's DD issues, and he did an amazing job of lighting the fire under this guy for me--finally. "Pariah!", written by Miller with art by David Mazzucchelli, is something of a Christmas Eve interlude which has just about every character in the story hitting rock bottom before the next issue begins to bring them back up--and to say that Miller has taken Daredevil's main cast of characters to an extreme in terms of their respective low points is putting it mildly. For instance, we find Karen Page in Mexico, having made "movies" and all too willing to offer herself in barter to support a hard drug habit:



Foggy, arguably the character in most need of something, anything, to make him interesting, is oddly the only person whom Miller decides to leave as is. True, his law practice has been dissolved with Matt's disbarment (more on that later), but his life otherwise seems status quo. And he's dating a great new girlfriend (Matt's old girlfriend, as it happens), doing some Christmas shopping with her, and has more lucrative job offers than he knows what to do with:



Again, I haven't read his story to completion--but given his own apprehensiveness at how his new job situation has so quickly fallen into place, I'd say at first glance that the Kingpin is doing a good deal of manipulating in that regard. But come on, this is Foggy Nelson--could we care any less? He's really more of a rock for his partnership with Murdock, and Miller seems content to leave him that way.

Meanwhile, Ben Urich, an investigative reporter for the "Daily Bugle," is digging into the Kingpin's role in Murdock's career crash (I'm getting to that, be patient), and the trail has led to a dirty cop whose son is in critical condition at the hospital:



And what of Matt Murdock? The Kingpin has done a number on him, but good. Bringing charges of criminal misconduct which lead to Murdock's disbarment, arranging for the destruction of his home, as well as taking advantage of Karen's third-party disclosure of Matt's identity as Daredevil. All of that led to Matt confronting the Kingpin on a physical level, which resulted in him being brutally beaten and getting a broken rib for his trouble.

Yet the Kingpin planted a seed that might lead to his own undoing, when he took it a step further and had Murdock's death faked in the river, a fate which Murdock escaped from. The Kingpin--a man who is proficient at looking down the road--may have brought Murdock as low as the man could possibly be brought, but he realizes that he may have nevertheless made a grave error:



Mainly, though, this story highlights Murdock's dismal situation--and, homeless and destitute, he finds that rock bottom is one of the most tenacious foes he's ever faced:






On a more hopeful note, Ben Urich's interview with Nick Manolis, the dirty cop bought and paid for by the Kingpin who subsequently secured medical care for Manolis's son in exchange for the perjured testimony leading to Murdock's disbarment, pays off in a tragic way when the son suddenly dies, and Manolis has no reason to protect the Kingpin any longer. But Urich finds that the Kingpin's reach is wide, indeed:




"Pariah!" ends with Murdock, his injuries from the Kingpin now worsened by the car collision and the faux Santa's knife strike, somehow wandering back to Hell's Kitchen, only to see his childhood home demolished by time. And so he pays a visit to another place which holds memories for him, where he finally reaches the end of his rope:





Our friendly nun here certainly makes a providential arrival, and she plays a part in the next issue's story, "Born Again," where Miller begins to slowly bring these people back to life. It's the time of year which elicits hope, of course--even for Ben Urich, who unfortunately hasn't heard the last of "Nurse Ratched" and her tender methods of persuasion. At any rate, while Foggy may have gotten the only Christmas presents in this issue, "Pariah!" has me interested in possibly doing a little shopping myself, picking up the entire 8-issue storyline from Amazon. Though it wouldn't surprise me if the Kingpin had his hands in Amazon, too.

All I Want For Christmas Is A Reptile Sandwich

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Probably the last thing you'd expect to see during the cold days of Christmas would be the appearance of species which would find such chilling temperatures to be anathema:



Which should give you an indication of the level of absurdity you're liable to find in "War Of The Reptile-Men!", where Spider-Man faces off with the Lizard and Stegron, the Dinosaur Man. Stegron, we learn, has begun using a "retro-generation ray" to bring the skeletons of museum dinosaur displays back to life; but in order to bring his plans to fruition, he needs the assistance of Dr. Curt Connors, a/k/a the Lizard. As to how he intends to get Connors' cooperation, we'll let Mrs. Connors recap for us:



So now we have the Lizard on the loose, along with Stegron. Spider-Man has already encountered the Lizard, who seems to be tracking Stegron:



I can't quite picture a lizard declaring itself the "master of reptiles." When was the last time you saw a lizard holding off a snake? As for Stegron, he's already getting busy with his makeshift army:



Unfortunately, Dr. Connors is a tad indisposed right now. But will the Lizard do?




Meanwhile, the dinosaurs get loose and make tracks for Central Park, where Spider-Man spots them (not exactly a surprise--who wouldn't spot dinosaurs?) and webs their eyes to keep them confused and prevent them from attacking any people. Seeing the police arrive, Spidey feels free to resume his hunt for the Lizard and Stegron. I have no idea how New York's finest are going to handle a bunch of flailing dinosaurs, do you? I don't think a Triceratops is going to take kindly to handcuffs.

Be that as it may, Spidey backtracks the dinosaurs' footprints and locates Liz and Stegron, hurling himself into the fray:



In the confusion, Spider-Man web-shoots the cure for the Lizard's transformation into its mouth, thereby taking at least that villain out of the equation. But Stegron takes the opportunity to flee with Billy Connors and join his brethren in the park:




You've probably noticed that the police don't seem all that adept at dealing with dinosaurs. Gee, color me surprised. Spider-Man also finds himself surprised when the dinosaurs suddenly revert to their Smithsonian state:



Stegron, being a smart dinosaur man, knows when the battle is lost, and he flees further into the park, with Spider-Man hot on his--well, whatever dinosaur men use for heels. But the cold is finally debilitating Stegron, and so he finds himself at a distinct disadvantage as Spider-Man closes in. But here's a question for you: can you spot the absurd omission in this series of panels?



Yes, of course--Spider-Man coming within arm's reach of Stegron, without his spider-sense letting him know the villain is right behind him. Fortunately it appears Mother Nature did Spidey's work for him.

At least the Connors family ends up in better spirits, which gives Spidey a reason to send us all out with a smile on Christmas:


What do you want to bet that Spidey wrapped up that retro-generation ray for the Connors?

Hark, The Herald Angel Returns!

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'Tis the season to rough up Santa Claus--at least, that's how it looks to Thor, as he flies over the upper west side of New York City on a snowy December eve. And so the decision is made to intervene, though perhaps it was made too hastily in this case:




"Santa" has since taken a powder, of course, and so Thor will have to hunt for him another day. But there is another hunter lying in wait just thirty miles north, in a ruined barn where Captain America once battled the villainous Machinesmith. And it's a powerful enemy of the entire human race, now flickering back to its approximation of life:



Yes--Gabriel, the Air-Walker, long thought destroyed, but apparently salvaged by the Machinesmith and put on the back burner in favor of a scheme involving the use of Dragon Man. And it looks like Gabriel has quite the auto-repair system, because look what shape he was in when Cap finally had it out with Machinesmith:



And that image can't help but prompt questions by Gabriel, who was sent plunging to his doom by the Silver Surfer before fully learning of his true nature as a robot. Here, we learn that Gabriel seems to vaguely believe he was originally mortal when Galactus made him his herald, and that it's the Surfer who's responsible for his present state:



And as Gabriel prepares to set out again, to seek answers as to what developments occurred after his defeat by the Surfer and to learn of Galactus, a young boy who lives in the adjacent farmhouse has seen the lights of Gabriel's rebirth--and, seemingly not knowing of Gabriel's earlier arrival on Earth and his subsequent rampage (jeez, that's some isolated farm), Kevin Matheson takes a far different attitude toward Gabriel than those who desperately sought to bring his madness to an end:



And so this unlikely pair of travelers heads to New York, where the Air-Walker just might pick up where he left off: heralding the end of all of humanity.



It takes the rest of the night before the two approach the city--and during that time, Kevin, a curious young boy who has met a real live alien, has naturally filled the time with questions and nonsensical conversation. And Gabriel finds himself at odds with his growing attachment to a being whom he knows will in all likelihood die with the rest of his race. And to that end, it makes sense for the story to make Gabriel's first stop the headquarters of the Fantastic Four, the humans who first opposed him and who are likely to have the answers he seeks:



Finally, though, after concluding his business with the FF, Gabriel easily reverts to the destructive being who thought of humanity as little more than ants, compounded by the thought of his bitter fate:




Yet there's another being more close at hand than the Surfer who would quickly realize and be able to deal with a sudden storm gone berserk:



Thor then seeks out the storm's cause--and with Gabriel's annoyance at Thor's appearance and intervention, the battle is on!







Throughout these exchanges, Gabriel has noted that much of the power in Thor's attack resides in his hammer, which would make the perfect tool to give him an edge in his upcoming battle with the Surfer. But gaining it also proves to be a turning point in this battle:




With Thor at his mercy, Gabriel shows no hesitation in preparing to finish him off. Yet it's one shrill but insistent voice which manages to stave off the killing blow:



With the unexpected breather, Thor puts two and two together and realizes the true nature of the Air-Walker, and acts accordingly to end his threat:





It seems like the threat of the Air-Walker has been finally ended (assuming that pesky auto-repair circuitry has also been smashed this time). But for Thor, the battle's collateral damage comes in the form of Kevin, who it turns out has also associated the alien Gabriel's demise with a more human memory:



There's more to discover about this robot Air-Walker and its history with Galactus, but the knowledge will come in the form of fiery vengeance against the Thunder God. All this tragedy and battle isn't really what we signed on for this time of year, is it? I'm starting to think that drug-dealing Santa Claus might have had more Christmas spirit.

The Santas And The Spider

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If you remember Kaine, the flawed clone of Peter Parker who emerged before the Jackal got it right, you may recall he had a lot of anger issues before he settled down in Houston as the Scarlet Spider. Even so, I think that brutally beating a bunch of Santas in a hotel lobby may be crossing the line:



It's not easy giving Kaine the benefit of the doubt, given that he's been known to be mentally unstable. But in this case, his actions might be justified. Let's have a look at how our Kris Kringles made their entrance in the first place:



Maybe we should start at the beginning....



It turns out our Santas are really high-stakes thieves who have planned a heist of the Connell diamonds, worth a cool $17 million and being kept in a vault in Houston at the Four Seasons Hotel--yes, that Houston, where Kaine has made a fresh start. Kaine just happens to be staying in the Presidential Suite of the hotel (don't ask me how he managed that)--but, unfortunately, he's in the process of throwing in the towel, not to mention tying one on:



Kaine's timing is lousy, of course, since our thieves have made their entrance just as he's hit the deck:



The good news is that one of Kaine's circle of friends just happened to be in the lobby when this all went down, and calls up to the suite to fill in Kaine, currently indisposed. Which means that a highly complicated procedure of sobering him up is now underway:



Annabelle, the friend in the lobby, is taken aside by one of the Santas and personally threatened with harm should the manager not cooperate. And she gets an inspiration:



Meanwhile, the highly complicated procedure of sobering up Kaine has moved from the bedroom and onto the living room couch:



Downstairs, another of Kaine's friends, Aracely (along with police officer Wally Layton) is helping to whittle down the Santa forces. Apparently, Aracely has been holding out on the rest of her friends:



Back upstairs, Kaine is getting a reality check from Wally's husband, Donald, on just how much of a difference he's made as the Scarlet Spider. And this time, the timing couldn't be better:




Which is where we came in. Looks like our Santas deserved having that can of whup-ass opened up on them, after all.

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